It's not a big secret to really anyone that the last year or so I haven't quite been myself. My very first love got married this summer, and in the months leading up to the wedding as well as the months following, I have just not been myself.
Those that really know me have seen this change, and can account for it. Some have pointed out that while I was dying on the inside, I made it seem like I was doing well. But I wasn't. I hadn't been. I didn't feel like myself, I wasn't acting like myself.
I don't really intend to wax poetically about my first love and why it changed me and shaped me into the (mildly) functioning adult I am today. That's not what this blog is about. Not today.
What you need to know about my first love is simply this: I have loved this person for well over 75% of my life. Because of this person, I believe in love and fate and hope.
I had always believed this was the person I was going to spend my life with. However, this Fate I'd always believed in, had other plans.
Blah blah.
So in the months following the wedding I did feel better. It was over, my last grasps at hope it wasn't going to happen were gone. It was time for me to move on.
Sadly, moving on from your first love is harder than you'd imagine. For me, anyway. Going through this heartache took away the things I was always most proud of. My belief in Love, Fate, and Hope. I became cynical. I built a wall around my heart with bricks and barbed wire. Keep the hell out.
So I was still struggling with my attempts to move on when something simple happened.
I had a perfect first kiss.
Now, in the last year I've had a few first kisses with a couple different fellas. And first kisses are always delightful and nice in their own way. They're all special. (I love first kisses).
But this first kiss? This first kiss made me feel like I was in high school and I knew I was going to be late for curfew but it was going to be worth it. It was the kind of kiss where you don't know what time it is or how long its been. The kind of kiss that sets hundreds of butterflies free in your stomach.
This one simple kiss, and those walls came down. Barbed wire and all. Suddenly I knew that I had every reason in the world to believe in Love, Fate and Hope. I knew, without these things? It would not be possible for a kiss to make you feel like that.
And I came back. I felt like myself again. I no longer feel like I need to keep quiet around people. When I feel the need, I bust out singing and dancing. Even when I'm probably just embarrassing myself. That hopelessly romantic, silly, goofball girl I always had been until the last year was back. What a fantastic feeling.
Again, without going into details, it became apparent that kissing with the person who was the other half of this perfect kiss and I wouldn't be kissing again. But that's quite alright. Honestly, when your first kiss is that fantastic, all potential future kisses will more than likely be dull in comparison. (Sort of like "Chasing The Dragon"; you never get a high as good as that first one)
Realizing a person you care for isn't ready to be with you, and quite honestly, that you aren't really ready to be with, is difficult. I can't really complain. We had that first kiss that woke me up from a fog I'd been in for so long I couldn't really remember what it was like before it came sweeping in. This person is on my top five list of things I'm most thankful for this year. Even if we just continue on as acquaintances.
I digress.
So, I'm back. I feel like myself. I feel fan-fucking-tastic. This broken heart has been sutured.
Being back to yourself may be the best feeling in the world (aside from the aforementioned perfect first kisses).
Giving up on love briefly, and having my heart torn into a million pieces made me realize one thing, though. I put way too much stock in what someone else thought or felt for me/of me. There is only one person in the world that can honestly make me happy. And that girl is in the mirror, smiling back at me every morning when I finish brushing my teeth.
I made myself a promise months ago that I didn't hold on to. I let it go, and just shrugged it off. Back then, though, I was still reeling. Nothing really mattered other than how miserable I was (depression is a horribly selfish thing. Gross.)
Effective November 5th, 2010, I put that promise back on the table.
I will not date/have sex/do anything with a boy until I learn to play an instrument.
I bought myself a ukulele. I've learned two chords already, and I'm on my way. But really, it's no rush. Whoever comes along will have to wait till I'm satisfied with my uke skills, or they aren't worth it in the first place.
It's not a huge secret that I do a lot of things alone. I take myself on movie dates, I'll go to a restaurant alone, at the ripe old age of 25 I've even started going to the dentist alone.
2010 has been a year where a lot has changed. I've made a lot of accomplishments. I've been put through a difficult heartbreak. I lost myself. I found myself again. I bought my first pair of Converse sneakers. I decorated my bedroom for the first time in my life, lacking movie posters.
One of my favorite things about this year are the concerts I've been to. I've seen four of my favorite bands in concert this year.
And, in celebration of feeling like myself again, I'll be adding a fifth band to this list.
In two weeks I'll be seeing a band that has been consistently on my play lists since I was 17 years old. Going alone, I will see The Ataris. Just thinking about it and my heart sings. It's just what I need.
Heartbreaks are the worst. But, I assure you, you will find something (or someone) to bring you back from them. When you find yourself on the other side of that heartache, do something for yourself. Even if its just buying yourself something you can't really afford but have wanted for ages.
Someone may break your heart with their actions, they may make your heart feel like it's fresh out of the box. Other people will hurt you, they'll break your spirit and make you feel like you're not worth anything. Other people will make you feel like the coolest kid in school, through them you'll see what an amazing person you are and the things you can do. You'll need both kinds of people, the ones who break you and the ones who will put you back together again.
Just remember: At the end of the day, the only person who will consistently make you happy is that person smiling back at you in the mirror.
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